Post-season wrap-up with Coach Simon “Catch that!” Teather

In the 2005 season, Stella had a non-playing coach for the first time. Three-time member of Team Canada, star Phoenix handler and former captain Simon Teather came on board to coach the team, call lines and help set strategy. The results were a solid performance all season and an undefeated run at the Canadian Ultimate Championships in Winnipeg, leading to Stella’s first national championship since 2002.

Now preparing for a return to open ultimate, Simon sits down with us for a little Q+A.

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Stella: Why did you decide to coach Stella?

Simon Teather: I was planning on taking the summer off, and I thought it would be a good way to give back to the Ottawa ultimate community.

S: Was the experience what you expected?

ST: More or less.

S: Which? More or less?

ST: More.

S: Were there any surprises?

ST: How much ice cream Anne could eat. Just how badly Stella outclassed the rest of the talent in the East. That Rachel won the music-off. With “I Think We’re Alone Now.”

S: Did you find women’s ultimate to be different from open?

ST: Yes.

S: In what ways?

ST: The speed of the game is different. The women’s game is much slower.

S: Any similarities?

ST: The level of intensity is very similar from women’s to open. The intensity is very high.

S: What strategies or coaching techniques did you think worked well?

ST: Trade secret.

S: Which ones weren’t as successful?

ST: I would say that getting louder wasn’t especially helpful. Most of the time.

S: Did you expect the team to do so well at Nationals?

ST: Going into Nationals, I had no expectations beyond top four because I hadn’t seen the competition out West. After the first day of Nationals, anything less than a championship would have been disappointing.

S: Would you coach the team again?

ST: Under the right circumstances.

S: Did you enjoy getting to know the Stella players?

ST: Absolutely.

S: Would you say you know them fairly well?

ST: Well enough.

S: Then you shouldn’t have a problem answering the following: Which Stella player is most likely to wind up in a pub brawl?

ST: I think Jamie Collins is most likely to cause a pub brawl.

S: Most likely to carry a fully stocked case of cosmetics in her ultimate bag?

ST: Gee, that’s a tough one… I would guess Erin.

S: Most likely to appear on Dancing with the Stars?

ST: Brigitte. I’ve heard about that time in Kingston.

S: Most likely to wind up on America’s Most Wanted?

ST: Marie-Andrée. She’s already wanted by most of the men’s ultimate community.

S: Most likely to be fired by Donald Trump?

ST: Shannon (Elliot).

S: Most likely to bring home a stray animal?

ST: That’s a gimme. It’s Jane. She brought home a parakeet this summer.

S: Most likely to star in the third installment of Kill Bill?

ST: Rachel or Kathleen. Put them in a cage match and let them sort it out.

S: Most likely to scale Mount Everest.

ST: Danielle.

S: Most likely to be first in line for the next Hilary Duff movie?

ST: Anne.

S: Craziest?

ST: That’s gotta be Becker.

S: Just a few more questions for our readers who want to know the real Simon Teather. What is your idea of perfect happiness?

ST: Oh, I didn’t realize we were going to get so philosophical. Freedom to do what you want with the people you care about.

S: What is your greatest fear?

ST: This is far too serious. Asphyxiation.

S: Which historical figure do you most identify with?

ST: I would have to say Largo.

S: Which living person do you most admire?

ST: My dad.

S: What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

ST: Indecisiveness.

S: What is the trait your most deplore in others?

ST: Arrogance.

S: What is your greatest extravagance?

ST: If you want to call ultimate an extravagance, I suppose that is. But otherwise, my TV.

S: On what occasion do you lie?

ST: Mostly interviews.

S: What do you dislike most about your appearance?

ST: My legs. They’re kind of stubby.

S: Which living person do you most despise?

ST: I lead a fairly privileged life. I don’t have much opportunity to hate people.

S: Which words or phrases do you must overuse?

ST: “Oi,” “To be honest,” and “Gosh darn it.”

S: If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

ST: My height.

S: If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?

ST: They’re cool.

S: What do you consider your greatest achievement?

ST: Managing to get out of university with a degree.

S: If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?

ST: Is this a karma thing? I think I’d be back as another person.

S: If you could choose what to come back as, what would it be?

ST: A tiger.

S: Who are your favourite writers?

ST: Amanda Sage, William Gibson, Pat Cadigan.

S: Who is your favourite hero of fiction?

ST: Either Indiana Jones or Steppin’ Razor.

S: What is your most treasured possession?

ST: I do like my iPod, but I would say my knife. That’s not creepy.

S: What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

ST: Trying to chase Amanda up and down the Gatineau hills. Her workouts are brutal.

S: Where would you like to live?

ST: Hawaii, Tokyo, New Orleans or Ottawa.

S: What is your most marked characteristic?

ST: My relatively quiet voice.

S: What is the quality you most like in a woman?

ST: Intelligence.

S: What is your greatest regret?

ST: Beating my mother at monopoly when I was seven.

S: What or who is the greatest love of your life?

ST: Amanda.

S: How would you like to die?

ST: I was hoping to avoid that experience.

S: Thank you Simon. Good luck this season with Phoenix!