Lay of the Land, Issue 3
July 12, 2006

The disc artist formerly known as Alison Lemay (but still known as Babyhead) has changed her name to Alison Flynn. After only a few threats and ultimatums, the former Stella captain finally snagged herself a man when she and Jamie Flynn tied the knot on Friday, June 30—just four days after he proposed! The news must come as a bitter disappointment to Phoenix’s Luke who has long lusted after Babyhead. Just blame it on her forehand huck—he says it turns him on every time.

Babyhead’s wedding ring came courtesy of Blayne Ferguson’s prize bling collection. He helped Mr. Flynn pick out the sparkler, although he wouldn’t offer up the ring that features the number 44 in rhinestones.

In other news, this summer is turning out to be quite the hot one for Red Dog. Taking a cue from Melnyk and Sward, Red Dog and Rachel have taken to their own late night sweat sessions. The pair has been spotted heading home together all hot and bothered, with neither one emerging before dawn. But with Melnyk due back in town any day now, Red Dog has made other arrangements. Given that she’s spending the summer squatting in Kate Cav’s apartment, Red Dog will be renting a room from Shannon Elliot for romantic get-aways with her man. Elliot charges by the quarter-hour, but Red Dog isn’t worried about the cost: “Adam won’t need the whole fifteen minutes,” she says.

Sassy Sandra was overheard giving Red Dog a hard time about her love life. Sandra’s exact words were: “I don’t trust your taste in men.” According to our sources, it looks as though Sandra should stop worrying about other people’s love lives and pay a little more attention to her own man… Amanda (a.k.a Danger) had to sit Regionals out because of a lower back injury, allegedly caused by a weight workout at the gym. But our sources tell us that Danger and Sean were seen out dirty-dancing the night before the injury was first reported. The two left the bar separately, but were later spotted in a compromising position in the parking lot. Maybe now that Sean has hit the big 3–0, his midlife crisis is starting to kick in… He also recently hired Sandra a maid and personal chef, most likely to keep her suspicions about the other women in his life at bay.

Danger’s also been doing her part to keep her man in the dark about (or at least willing to overlook) her liaison with Sean. She recently took Magoo up on her offer to join her and Simon in a threesome.

Speaking of players who missed out on Regionals, Carrie was a no-show at the tournament. When she realized that she had forgotten Cheer Bear at home she hurried back to Ottawa in a frenzy to spend time with her chum. Rumour has it Cheer Bear’s real initials are P.L.

Although she consistently denies reports that she is off the wagon again, Carrie’s best bud Alex wasn’t seen once this weekend without her sunglasses—a sure sign that she’s covering up bloodshot eyes.

The latest performance of the Rachel RobiSHOW featured Stella’s lewd and limber co-captain putting on a very intimate display for a large crowd of on-lookers in Toronto this past week. Rachel dedicated the RobiSHOW to her favourite Phoenix player, hottie Miles Wilson.